echo

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me.
All I hear is me. My words ricocheting around my head penetrating my soul. How big is the soul? How do I let it go when it's time? How do I know it's time? Where is my mind?

I'm so unoriginal that I have to express myself in other people's words. Where do these feelings come from? Feeling that I will never be good enough. Feeling that I don't belong here (as in Earth.) Can I please go to Mars?
I can't stop thinking everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me. I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me.
Hate is such a strong word. A strong word thrown around like we're making it rain. Hate Rain. There is no in between. Love, accept, adore. Hate, reject, disdain. Hopelessness. Emptiness. Constant emptiness.
Where is my joy? What makes me happy? 
help
i'm so numb

back to stardust

This is my scream in to the void. I wish I could dematerialize back in to stardust. Just a poof and glitter and I can be gone. Away from the material needs, away from the physical needs, away from the creative drive that is slowly killing me. I’m drowning. I can’t breathe. Someone make this seem all worthwhile.

So much pain, I can’t leave, I can’t be home, I can’t be here. I can’t do anything. I’m paralyzed with fear. Paralyzed with loneliness. Surrounded by love and so, so alone. So empty. So much pain.

I need a sanitarium. I need some time to think. I need a safe place and a straitjacket.  I need strength. I need unwarranted confidence in myself. I need a break. I need help. I need I need I need. My needs are so much less than everyone else’s why do I complain? I’ve never been raped or assaulted; I’ve never been homeless or unfed; I’ve never known real Need. I’m good friends with pain. Physical, emotional, mental. Why can’t I put in to words this pain, this emptiness?

It’s all in my head. Mind over matter. Buck up little buckaroo. Just keep swimming. Don’t just dream it, be it. You can shine no matter what you’re made of.

How do you ask for a friend when everyone else needs one too? How can I put my pain above others’? What makes me think I’m any better or worse off than anyone else? Who the fuck do I think I am? Honestly, No One. I am No One. I am Nothing.

What am I even trying to do? If I’m on this Earth, someone said, then I have a purpose. What is mine? To suffer as all beings do? To never be fulfilled by a desk job that suppresses my true Self? I’m a non-entity in all aspects of my life. Inconsequential. Just another piece that can be replaced with a newer, shinier model once it’s broken.  Another faceless face. Another nothing in the sea of nothing. It’s all useless. All I’m going to accomplish with my life is death. I’ll be reincarnated into something worse because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Maybe my lesson is to not try. Just give up. Just. Give. Up. There is nothing for me. There is no hope, no reasons. But the world won’t stop for my broken soul. Who am I? What am I? Why am I? If I don’t know by now, the answers must be Nobody, Nothing, and the answer to why is...welp, it’s easier to keep breathing than to stop.

My absence wouldn’t cause that much of a difference. For most, it would be no difference at all. What do I do? How do I stop this pain and forget the fact that it will come again and again and again.

learning a lot and growing less than i want to...

there's been a lot going on lately.

my car got totaled by some jerkface that decided to take a left in front of me while i was going through an intersection. The resolution of that took almost 3 weeks so I've been in a rental that feels like a space ship compared to my destroyed 91 honda and will soon be buying a new to me car. hey, there's lots of good options for under $2500.

i've been feeling creatively stunted. this is probably an extension of me not being happy with the person i am or have been trying to be. i've been wanting to make major changes in myself since my last birthday and now that my next birthday is two weeks away, maybe it's time to get started on those changes. i hope the choices and changes i make will be for the better. bettering myself, bettering my life, bettering my comedy, bettering my marriage, bettering my world; these are good goals.

say "bettering" like 5 times, it's fun.

i have a herniated disc (i guess it's still herniated) that had hindered my movement and caused me a great deal of pain since March. Five months is a long time to constantly be in pain. We hadn't been going out (to open mics or shows) as much as we knew we should, i couldn't find anything funny so we weren't writing any new material and i was exhausted all the time just because i was constantly in pain. the weird thing is, my pain has DRAMATICALLY decreased since i was in the car accident. so after the accident, i felt better physically, but with no car, no material and no real sense of what to do, i again felt paralyzed.

i've also been dealing with an internal battle to be a decent person and make the right decisions and make sure that people like me. i had been more worried about what people will think of me than what i really want to do. i now feel that i've made a few changes that will help me grow as a person.

i know you're not supposed to care what people think of you, but i do. i want to be seen as a kind person and a good friend. i want to please everyone and be everything to everyone, but it's exhausting and soul crushing.

i want to share who i really am with the world. i know i have a good heart and a lot of love to give, so i'm going to do that. i hope you're in my way when it happens so i can share me with you.

a woman jumped off the hotel i work in

I work at a hotel in Beverly Hills. Over the weekend a woman jumped from the 10th floor, landing in front of our restaurant and dying on impact.
A few things are bothering me about this.
First and foremost is because the thought of jumping off this building myself has crossed my mind. While the idea seems quick, convenient and painless, knowing someone has followed through with that impulse puts a new perspective on it.
The woman was "about 30;" I'm almost 30. She kept a blog; I've starting keeping up with mine again or at least trying to. She obviously felt this was her only choice; I know that feeling.
I can't stop thinking about the intense loneliness she must have felt, the pain of not being able to understand or deal with her problems in a way that was productive, that final decision and the moment she jumped. 
I can't find anything online about this, we were just told in our morning meeting. I don't know her name. I don't know anything else about her, but I wish I could have been there to hold her hand and tell her that her life is worth more than she could imagine. I wish that I could believe that I would be strong for someone in need, but when I can't even do that for myself, how do I expect to do that for any one else?

I wish someone would hold my hand and tell me that all my worries, fears and insecurities aren't real and don't matter.

I'm totes a hero now and I feel like shit about it.

We had a weird thing happen on Saturday that I just kind of need to share I guess. We were walking from an open mic in Hollywood to a show that was half a mile down the street so that we didn’t have to try to find parking again, we thought it would be easier to just walk. We had just crossed an intersection and a cop was at the light about to turn left. Once we got across the intersection I saw two super drunk people, a man and a woman, stumbling around the sidewalk about 30 yards down. I thought oh great, we get to deal with walking by these people and I pointed them out to Jeremy. The next second I looked up and the woman was on the ground and the man was kicking her. I ran back to the intersection and yelled at the cop who luckily had his window down, “Sir! There’s a man kicking a woman on the sidewalk over here!” I explained where they were and I saw him pull over to help. We didn’t stay, I didn’t really want to get involved any further, I just wanted that guy to stop beating the woman. My adrenaline was pumping like crazy after and I almost cried, but I was ok after minute. It was just weird. I’ve never actually been in a situation like that and certainly never been in a position to actually help. 

On Sunday I told a small group of comedians we were hanging out with what happened. Their response was not quite what I expected, well honestly, I don't know what I expected. After I told them my story, they (jokingly because we're all comics) started telling me how I may have ruined that girl's evening because what if that's what they do for fun? What if that's the only way she can get off? He probably had a perfectly good reason for doing what he did. She probably deserved it. 

I know they were joking, I know they were just giving me a hard time because what DO you say when someone tells you a story like that? But it still hurt me more than I've been hurt in a long time. I felt like such an asshole for intervening in someone's life. I guess what I should have done is nothing. 

For some reason I felt the need to be the one to speak up, and when I did I was ridiculed.

somewhat serendipitous

In two weeks Jeremy and I are leaving for California whether California is ready or not. Two weeks ago, I requested a transfer within the company i work for to Sunny Southern California. Last week, Wednesday I think, I spoke with my HR about a position as an administrative assistant for Sales and Catering at a west LA hotel. Friday (three days ago) I was working at the front desk (my current job) and happened to check-in the Associate Director of Catering for the hotel I just applied with. That's right. Crazy I know. I got the opportunity to talk with her after my shift that day and I feel like I made a good impression. Keep your fingers and other digits crossed.

Also, I was shopping for a friend's wedding at Target today. I picked out two gifts not wanting to seem cheap, but not wanting to spend a fortune either. Then I found a really cute bag and tissue paper cause I'm sure as fuck not going to be wrapping anything. I wasn't really paying attention to what the check out girl was doing, as I figured she was having me pay for all of my items and I was deep in thought about the thank you letter i'd be writing to the Associate Catering Director in LA. My total came out to less than $20 and I figured she just hadn't charged me for one of my items and I felt that maybe that was a good thing since I really shouldn't be spending too much on wedding presents when I'm about to be moving across the country. Anyway, the cashier gave me my receipt, I picked up my bag and started to walk toward the door. I looked at the receipt and sure enough, she hadn't scanned in the more expensive of the presents. I then looked in my bag -- and there it was. I passed through the security poles expecting lights and loud sirens to go off, I saw myself spending all afternoon explaining myself in the manager's office, but I was greeted with silence. I calmly walked to the car, left, and immediately called Jeremy so I wouldn't feel like a thief.
It was an accidental theft! it's for a good cause! I'm not keeping it, I really am still going to give it to them. I thought about telling them, but I don't want to taint their marriage, they're nice kids.

An actual conversation between my wonderful husband and myself.

Me (totally not intoxicated): So I think we should rethink the French Teacher movie. I think maybe we should have her have a job I actually know something about.

Jeremy (equally "not intoxicated"): What do you mean?

Me: Well like a hotel front desk agent or something I know about.

Jeremy: Yeah! And there's this monkey that checks in...

Me: Oh, yeah? And his name is Dunston?

Jeremy: No, no. It's where Dustin Diamond Checks In! To make porn!

Me: Eww!

Jeremy: Can you imagine cleaning up after that?

Me: Eww!

Jeremy laughs, then: Man, I totally blocked that out, I haven't thought about that in a long time, have you?

Me: What? Do you think I just sit around thinking about Dustin Diamond giving people Dirty Sanchezes all day? Jesus!

Jeremy laughs uncontrollably.