someone help please

i feel so alone. i feel like there's nothing left for me. My body is trying to kill me and the rest of the world wants me gone. i think i honestly need to be hospitalized. i think that's the only way i'm going to get a break of any sort. i'm exhausted. i'm done. i'm finished.

hey coyote

I know my pain is less than others and more than some. I know I'm not special in my hurting. I'm grateful for my "good days." The days that I don't worry so much. The days that I don't feel so lonely. The days when the sadness and clouds keep a safe distance.
So many days I wish I could swing from the chandeliers again. I wish alcohol wasn't such a great way to escape and ignore responsibilities and not feel bad about it. I want to have the kind of real life that some people seem to have. I don't know for sure what they're doing but it seems like they're having fun. They seem to have a life outside of their homes and offices. Or are they just happy being home and watching TV? Should I settle on this life and figure out how to be happy with banality?
I'm doing what I can to make things better for myself, but change and progress take time. I understand that. I know, logically, that I can't scream at nothing until something better happens for me/us.
My husband is just the greatest. He is so happy and optimistic and keeps me going. I'm sure it's exhausting for him; he's a champion. He's a warrior. He's my true Rock. But Love isn't all you need.
I need inner peace. I need to find why I deserve the things I want. I need confidence. I need joy. I need time to sit in the grass and just Be. I need to have no needs for 5 minutes. Is there an Eternal Sunshine machine that can erase the things that give me anxiety and depression? Is there a different combination of pills I should be on? So many questions and I have no answers. I have to find them within myself but I hate looking at me - though that is all I talk about. But seriously, have you seen me? It's gross.

here it comes again

the wave of fear. apprehension. unworthiness. absolute fear. no fight; all flight.
this is my normal? numb. heavy limbs. restless thoughts. deep, deep unnameable emotion (dreadsorrow is the only thing i can think of). Failure. I am the noun and the verb. i can't seem to stay connected to anything. joy is fleeting and passion is nonexistent.
pressure to be perfect is the worst when it comes from within. no one cares if i'm perfect except me. no one cares if i exist at all.
we are stardust. we are golden. who's this we? you got a frog in your pocket?
i am the grossest.