too scared to post this on facebook, so here it is where no one will see it

Things are bonkers, Babies. There’s so much Hate in this world and it breaks my soul. Can I please give you all a hug? It would make me feel so much better. There’s so much sadness and pain and I can’t do anything about and it hurts like hell.

 As we bring 2015 to a close, 2016 looms.  Like most of you, this has been kind of a sucky year for me/us. I’ve had more migraines this year than every other year of my life combined. I found out, after being put on disability for 3 months, that the back pain I’ve had since high school is never going to go away, it’s just not fixable. We gave our car up after the second towing in a year. I couldn’t pay tickets because I didn’t receive Disability insurance until 2 weeks before I was to return to work. It’s very scary to be alive not knowing when you’ll get paid again. I’m not telling you guys anything you don’t know. We got (and got rid of) bed bugs. We slept on the floor for 6 weeks while waiting on Disability money. I lost trust for the doctor I was so excited to have found at the beginning of the year. I was informed the job I’ve been working at since we moved to LA will be nonexistent in March. I have 64 days to figure out what to do next. I want to do more with my life than sit behind a desk and get bullied by rich people all day. Well, I guess I want the right rich people to bully me. There’s so much I want to say. I feel myself growing more and more isolated. I feel like I have so little in common with those around me that I don’t even know where to begin to try to connect. Maybe I’m just fading. I don’t need more outlets for this feeling, I need more focus. I need more time. Don’t we all? More time with Jeremy, more time to make real friends that I can text silly things to, more time to share me with the world. Sometimes I really like me. I think other people would, too.  We haven’t been out as much as we “should” and definitely not as much as we would want to be. Please don’t forget us, we’re still here and we still love you and want to see you.

someone help please

i feel so alone. i feel like there's nothing left for me. My body is trying to kill me and the rest of the world wants me gone. i think i honestly need to be hospitalized. i think that's the only way i'm going to get a break of any sort. i'm exhausted. i'm done. i'm finished.

hey coyote

I know my pain is less than others and more than some. I know I'm not special in my hurting. I'm grateful for my "good days." The days that I don't worry so much. The days that I don't feel so lonely. The days when the sadness and clouds keep a safe distance.
So many days I wish I could swing from the chandeliers again. I wish alcohol wasn't such a great way to escape and ignore responsibilities and not feel bad about it. I want to have the kind of real life that some people seem to have. I don't know for sure what they're doing but it seems like they're having fun. They seem to have a life outside of their homes and offices. Or are they just happy being home and watching TV? Should I settle on this life and figure out how to be happy with banality?
I'm doing what I can to make things better for myself, but change and progress take time. I understand that. I know, logically, that I can't scream at nothing until something better happens for me/us.
My husband is just the greatest. He is so happy and optimistic and keeps me going. I'm sure it's exhausting for him; he's a champion. He's a warrior. He's my true Rock. But Love isn't all you need.
I need inner peace. I need to find why I deserve the things I want. I need confidence. I need joy. I need time to sit in the grass and just Be. I need to have no needs for 5 minutes. Is there an Eternal Sunshine machine that can erase the things that give me anxiety and depression? Is there a different combination of pills I should be on? So many questions and I have no answers. I have to find them within myself but I hate looking at me - though that is all I talk about. But seriously, have you seen me? It's gross.

here it comes again

the wave of fear. apprehension. unworthiness. absolute fear. no fight; all flight.
this is my normal? numb. heavy limbs. restless thoughts. deep, deep unnameable emotion (dreadsorrow is the only thing i can think of). Failure. I am the noun and the verb. i can't seem to stay connected to anything. joy is fleeting and passion is nonexistent.
pressure to be perfect is the worst when it comes from within. no one cares if i'm perfect except me. no one cares if i exist at all.
we are stardust. we are golden. who's this we? you got a frog in your pocket?
i am the grossest.

echo

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me.
All I hear is me. My words ricocheting around my head penetrating my soul. How big is the soul? How do I let it go when it's time? How do I know it's time? Where is my mind?

I'm so unoriginal that I have to express myself in other people's words. Where do these feelings come from? Feeling that I will never be good enough. Feeling that I don't belong here (as in Earth.) Can I please go to Mars?
I can't stop thinking everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me. I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me.
Hate is such a strong word. A strong word thrown around like we're making it rain. Hate Rain. There is no in between. Love, accept, adore. Hate, reject, disdain. Hopelessness. Emptiness. Constant emptiness.
Where is my joy? What makes me happy? 
help
i'm so numb

back to stardust

This is my scream in to the void. I wish I could dematerialize back in to stardust. Just a poof and glitter and I can be gone. Away from the material needs, away from the physical needs, away from the creative drive that is slowly killing me. I’m drowning. I can’t breathe. Someone make this seem all worthwhile.

So much pain, I can’t leave, I can’t be home, I can’t be here. I can’t do anything. I’m paralyzed with fear. Paralyzed with loneliness. Surrounded by love and so, so alone. So empty. So much pain.

I need a sanitarium. I need some time to think. I need a safe place and a straitjacket.  I need strength. I need unwarranted confidence in myself. I need a break. I need help. I need I need I need. My needs are so much less than everyone else’s why do I complain? I’ve never been raped or assaulted; I’ve never been homeless or unfed; I’ve never known real Need. I’m good friends with pain. Physical, emotional, mental. Why can’t I put in to words this pain, this emptiness?

It’s all in my head. Mind over matter. Buck up little buckaroo. Just keep swimming. Don’t just dream it, be it. You can shine no matter what you’re made of.

How do you ask for a friend when everyone else needs one too? How can I put my pain above others’? What makes me think I’m any better or worse off than anyone else? Who the fuck do I think I am? Honestly, No One. I am No One. I am Nothing.

What am I even trying to do? If I’m on this Earth, someone said, then I have a purpose. What is mine? To suffer as all beings do? To never be fulfilled by a desk job that suppresses my true Self? I’m a non-entity in all aspects of my life. Inconsequential. Just another piece that can be replaced with a newer, shinier model once it’s broken.  Another faceless face. Another nothing in the sea of nothing. It’s all useless. All I’m going to accomplish with my life is death. I’ll be reincarnated into something worse because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Maybe my lesson is to not try. Just give up. Just. Give. Up. There is nothing for me. There is no hope, no reasons. But the world won’t stop for my broken soul. Who am I? What am I? Why am I? If I don’t know by now, the answers must be Nobody, Nothing, and the answer to why is...welp, it’s easier to keep breathing than to stop.

My absence wouldn’t cause that much of a difference. For most, it would be no difference at all. What do I do? How do I stop this pain and forget the fact that it will come again and again and again.

learning a lot and growing less than i want to...

there's been a lot going on lately.

my car got totaled by some jerkface that decided to take a left in front of me while i was going through an intersection. The resolution of that took almost 3 weeks so I've been in a rental that feels like a space ship compared to my destroyed 91 honda and will soon be buying a new to me car. hey, there's lots of good options for under $2500.

i've been feeling creatively stunted. this is probably an extension of me not being happy with the person i am or have been trying to be. i've been wanting to make major changes in myself since my last birthday and now that my next birthday is two weeks away, maybe it's time to get started on those changes. i hope the choices and changes i make will be for the better. bettering myself, bettering my life, bettering my comedy, bettering my marriage, bettering my world; these are good goals.

say "bettering" like 5 times, it's fun.

i have a herniated disc (i guess it's still herniated) that had hindered my movement and caused me a great deal of pain since March. Five months is a long time to constantly be in pain. We hadn't been going out (to open mics or shows) as much as we knew we should, i couldn't find anything funny so we weren't writing any new material and i was exhausted all the time just because i was constantly in pain. the weird thing is, my pain has DRAMATICALLY decreased since i was in the car accident. so after the accident, i felt better physically, but with no car, no material and no real sense of what to do, i again felt paralyzed.

i've also been dealing with an internal battle to be a decent person and make the right decisions and make sure that people like me. i had been more worried about what people will think of me than what i really want to do. i now feel that i've made a few changes that will help me grow as a person.

i know you're not supposed to care what people think of you, but i do. i want to be seen as a kind person and a good friend. i want to please everyone and be everything to everyone, but it's exhausting and soul crushing.

i want to share who i really am with the world. i know i have a good heart and a lot of love to give, so i'm going to do that. i hope you're in my way when it happens so i can share me with you.