hey coyote

I know my pain is less than others and more than some. I know I'm not special in my hurting. I'm grateful for my "good days." The days that I don't worry so much. The days that I don't feel so lonely. The days when the sadness and clouds keep a safe distance.
So many days I wish I could swing from the chandeliers again. I wish alcohol wasn't such a great way to escape and ignore responsibilities and not feel bad about it. I want to have the kind of real life that some people seem to have. I don't know for sure what they're doing but it seems like they're having fun. They seem to have a life outside of their homes and offices. Or are they just happy being home and watching TV? Should I settle on this life and figure out how to be happy with banality?
I'm doing what I can to make things better for myself, but change and progress take time. I understand that. I know, logically, that I can't scream at nothing until something better happens for me/us.
My husband is just the greatest. He is so happy and optimistic and keeps me going. I'm sure it's exhausting for him; he's a champion. He's a warrior. He's my true Rock. But Love isn't all you need.
I need inner peace. I need to find why I deserve the things I want. I need confidence. I need joy. I need time to sit in the grass and just Be. I need to have no needs for 5 minutes. Is there an Eternal Sunshine machine that can erase the things that give me anxiety and depression? Is there a different combination of pills I should be on? So many questions and I have no answers. I have to find them within myself but I hate looking at me - though that is all I talk about. But seriously, have you seen me? It's gross.